Tone policing, white saviorism, and why discomfort is a critical part of anti-racism work

I want to approach this topic with empathy, because I’ve been there too. Look, I'm a white lady in my early thirties. I didn't really start deconstructing my internal biases and working toward being actively antiracist until a decade ago. And that process will never, ever be over. It's uncomfortable, messy, and imperfect work. I understand. So if you're a white person reading this article, just know: I'm with ya.

When I first began this work, I honestly felt wounded. I won't lie, my feelings got hurt. A lot. Hell, they still do today! Being told that something I said or did was harmful felt awful, and my immediate response was to defend myself, to explain that I was “one of the good ones.” Because I thought surely I couldn't cause harm when I'm a good person who isn't racist, right? Spoiler alert: We all hold internal biases and will forever be capable of harming others, despite our best intentions.

This is where so many of us white women start. Especially those of us who have always considered ourselves kind, progressive, and “not racist.” To hear that we’ve caused harm? It feels deeply personal, even if it isn’t. And at first, every fiber of our being wants to push back, to protect that self-image of being “good.”

But here’s the hard truth: That discomfort? It’s part of the work. Growth is never cozy. Anti-racism work isn’t supposed to make white people feel comfortable. No, it’s supposed to help dismantle harm. And that dismantling starts with being able to hear hard truths without centering ourselves in the process.

So, given all of this table setting, let's dive into what this blog post is truly about. I recently got a comment on a TikTok of mine where I talk about why language matters and how so much of it is rooted in colonialist mindsets in the outdoor community. (I also have an in-depth blog post on this topic if you'd like to learn more)

A fellow white woman commented, "It's giving white saviorism," and then also critiqued my tone as "condescending."

This was the first of a few comments I got from the same white woman

And it got me thinking: What is white saviorism? Why do white people feel the urge to tone police so often when we're talking about tough stuff? Is there harm in tone policing?

Let's dive in.

Tone policing is centering yourself instead of those harmed

One of the most common ways white people derail conversations about racism is through tone policing. When someone tells you that a comment you made was harmful or rooted in bias, and your first reaction is, “Well, I just wish you had said it more nicely,” you’ve already shifted the conversation away from the harm and onto your feelings.

You’re saying, “I can’t even hear what you’re saying until you make it palatable to me.” And when we do that, we’re prioritizing our comfort over someone else’s lived experience. We’re not listening; we’re protecting our egos.

Image source

Tone policing turns a conversation about harm into a conversation about your comfort. Tone policing is how white people make racism about themselves instead of the people harmed by it.

Let me be clear: It is not “mean” for someone to educate you about harm you’ve caused. It’s also not their job to hold your hand while they do it. If someone is sassy, blunt, or, hell, even a little condescending—it doesn’t make them wrong.

You’re an adult. If the truth stings, that’s not their problem to fix.

This isn’t just an “online tone” thing either. It happens in real life, too. Talk to ANY Black woman. Black women are always held to unrealistic, ridiculous standards. They see this so much in workplaces, friend groups, and even within families.

When someone points out harmful behavior, and the conversation immediately becomes about how you were made to feel, you’ve effectively silenced the person who spoke up.

Tone policing can also show up like the conversation in the screenshot below. The user, "Lame Bigfoot," said they disagreed with me on a video where I was sharing some of the knowledge I've been taught about harmful language in the outdoors that's rooted in racism and colonialism. They're not disagreeing with me, though. They're disagreeing with the marginalized people who have said, "Hey, this is harmful," and discrediting their lived experiences.

This shows the fundamental danger of misusing the term "white savior." It discredits the knowledge and education being shared.

White saviorism is an issue, but it's important we define it correctly as well

I’ve seen a lot of white people throw around the term “white saviorism” to dismiss other white folks who call out racism, especially in leftist, progressive conversations. So, let’s clear this up.

White saviorism isn’t someone pointing out when something harmful or racist has been said. It’s not someone using their privilege to educate other white people on dismantling bias. In fact, many BIPOC activists and scholars have said repeatedly that white people should be doing this labor with each other, instead of leaving it all on communities of color.

• Showing Up for Racial Justice (SURJ) explicitly frames anti-racism as the responsibility of white people to do with each other, not rely on marginalized communities to educate them. They call on white folks to deeply engage and do internal community labor to disrupt racism.

• Multiple antiracism guides and activist toolkits make it clear that BIPOC individuals are often overburdened by emotional labor when white people ask them to teach or explain racism, and that white people should seek education from white peers rather than leaning on communities of color.

White saviorism is, on the other hand, when white people insert themselves as heroes into someone else’s story, particularly the stories of Black, Indigenous, and other people of color.

It’s the “helping” that’s really about centering ourselves. It's about virtue signaling (talking the talk instead of walking the walk as well). White saviorism is the mission trips that post pictures of “saving” poor communities while ignoring systemic harm, it's the Instagram black squares in 2020, it's #Kony2012, it's white people entering conversations about racism and centering their own opinions, solutions, and feelings over the lived experiences of people of color.

In an Atlantic article, Teju Cole calls it the “White Savior Industrial Complex,” where white people use suffering as a backdrop for their own “goodness.”

So, no—calling out harmful behavior is not white saviorism. The real saviorism is when we make conversations about racism center our feelings, our image, our comfort, and our version of what “allyship” should look like.

The bigger picture here

When we tone police, when we cry “white savior” at someone simply doing the work of educating other white people, what we’re really doing is deflecting. We’re avoiding accountability.

And that avoidance has consequences. It maintains the status quo. It allows harm to keep happening unchecked because we’d rather talk about tone than talk about the hard stuff.

Hell, look at the "R" slur. When disabled people spoke up about how it was a harmful slur, people stopped using it. And yet, there's been a resurgence of the word lately because white comedians, podcasters, and people of influence and privilege have started using it again. Here we are in 2025, and the r-word is now common again in our lexicon, causing real harm to disabled people. Words have impact.

In fact, if we want to talk about some real-world, recent consequences of tone policing, look no further than the Trump administration. They issued directives to scrub language from national parks and monuments that it deemed “too negative,” “divisive,” or “not patriotic.” Tone policing at its finest. At Muir Woods, an exhibit highlighting Indigenous contributions and colonial violence was removed under similar directives. These aren't just hypothetical consequences of tone policing. It's real.

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Every time you dismiss a comment about racism because it wasn’t delivered sweetly enough or packaged with a pretty bow, you’re saying, "My comfort matters more than the harm you’re naming."

Anti-racism work isn’t about us as white people feeling good. It’s about reducing harm. That means listening when someone tells you you’ve caused harm. It means reflecting before reacting. It means resisting the urge to center yourself in every uncomfortable conversation.

Because at the end of the day, your discomfort isn’t the story here. The harm is. And if your first reaction is to protect your feelings instead of stopping harm, you’re not an ally—you’re just centering yourself.